How many days have I got left?

Wasting my life away, one day at a time...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Prospective dismay

The thought that I'm going to officially be an A level student in less than 2 days is just, well, weird. Not to mention scary. The Summer has flown by so much quicker than I'd imagined. It would be great to say that everything has been spectacular and a good end to my 5 years of secondary school, but hey, life goes on. At least I didn't break my leg.

So obviously, I feel terribly cynical about what is going to happen at my new school. I went to enrolment last week, and it was...the only word I can use is "different". Not in a bad or a good sense, just in the sense that there are so many things I'll need to get used to, both little and big. There's only one girl going from my school, and although we're not very close, it's nice to have some reassurance. My friends have all given me advice which can basically be summed up as "don't stick with her, she tends to outshine people." Easier said than done. They're all telling me to make friends, talk to people I sit next to, however, whether I like these people is a different matter. You can't force friendship, and to make matters worse, I’m not as socially adept as some.

One of my absolute best friends lives right next to the school. She applied in February after the open evening, but wasn't offered a place after her interview. She was told by the school to definitely phone them after she got her results, because they'd really like to give her a place, and some may have freed up by then. So results day came, and I'd already made my mind up that I was going. She had exceeded the requirements, but when I asked her about it, she said "I don't really want to apply again, I'm happy with where I'm going." I didn't bother her about it, I didn't push her into a corner. I was disappointed, but I know how it feels to be pressured, and I thought, "if she's happy, there's no problem." At the end of the day, it's her education.

Then yesterday, she calls me up out of the blue, and says she really really wants to phone them up and ask for a place. This is 3 days before the start of term. Enrolment has been and gone. Needless to say, I won't be seeing her there on the 1st. Should I have forced her to consider it, and phone up? Is that what being a good friend is all about? Now I feel like I had a moral obligation to do that for her, and now she's lost her chance, and got me feeling teary again in the process.

I think I've become accustomed to expecting the worst in every situation. Even when I try and think positive, things usually end up the opposite way. It isn't adjustment though. I don't feel secure, or happy, and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for anything that could be creeping up on me. I know life doesn't owe me anything-why should it? I've only been on this Earth for 16 years, and even if I'd been here for 116 years, there's no difference. I feel utterly stupid for thinking that I should have a right to be happy.

But despite what I just said, it's like 2 parts of my brain are fighting a battle. One half is telling me to be logical, to move on, to make changes for myself and stop waiting for things to move themselves. The other half is telling me to let life even itself out, that nothing lasts forever, and above all, that stuff will change pretty soon for me, because hell, I need a break. The other half of my brain is telling me to wait. I wonder if things like that really happen...are people blessed with a wonderful surge of brilliance after going through a "bad patch"? Or is it not brilliance, but rather, the relief of some calm after a storm?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

It's all over!

Wow, I got my results!! I was shocked, relieved, confused and happy all at once for ages this afternoon, so I decided to wait before I posted anything.

This might look like a totally egotistical kind of thing to do-post my results without really expanding the entry at all, but y'know, it's my blog :) There isn't really much to say about today except that I got up early, was nervous, met some friends at Starbucks and was unable to consume anything because I felt a bit sick. Then we walked through the park to school, picked up the results, screamed, laughed, cried (not me personally, but some people did) and tried to avoid questioning from nosy teachers. Then me and about 4 other people got dragged off by the deputy head to have our photo taken for the reletively crappy local paper.

They didn't ask for any parental permission, so I'm wondering if I can sue.

So this is how I did:
English Literature-A*
Double Science-A*A*

I know certain people reading this will be thinking "hardly a surprise, I already knew she'd do well", but seriously, I've exceeded my own expectations by miles, as well as my subject teacher's predictions. Perhaps this is life telling me to have more faith in myself? Or, erm, marking errors?

Well, anyway, I'm off for my final interview at "that school that I'm always worrying about". I have to hand in some forms and then there's some kind of thing to meet past and present students from other schools. Arghh, another early morning, followed by an hour on the bus. Torture...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Evening before the sun sets

I feel worried. And sick. And also more worried. Needing something to eat might be part of the sick, but oh God, I've had one of those moments where time stops and all means of reason goes out of the window.

Enough about that though. I get my results tomorrow. Eeeep!!! Worried about that too. Man, I worry about so many things. In fact, right now, I'm trying to compose some kind of worrying equation in my head, except it's turning into a complicated quadratic with a few exponential functions floating around the side. I don't have all the symbols. Wait a second, why the hell am I talking about Maths (which sucks)? Am I getting maths cravings? Surely not.

I had to take a break right there and see what was going on outside. For a minute there was something which looked like an "apocalypse is nigh" type thing. The clouds were moving so quickly across the sky, and everything looked beautiful. Yellow, orange, blue and pink sky all at once. Then I realised-it's not the apocalypse. If I thought it was the apocalypse, my blog entry would have made way more sense than this.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Desktops, desktops!

Let me see yours!

Not that my desktop right now is totally wow wow wow, I'm just interested in what everyone else has got.

Sorry that this is such a LiveJournalesque post, but people do strange things when they're bored. I also change my desktop constantly, but my homepage has been the same since I got the internet in late 2000. Even when we switched our ISP, I changed it back to what it was before. A lot of people think that's rather weird...


P.S. I'll shoot myself in the foot if no one responds.
P.P.S. Blogger photos is really starting to piss me off. Do you know how many times I've had to edit this because of erased text, things being squashed up or general craziness? 8 times. And once more to add this.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A few current photos...

...and a lot of older ones. I know I shouldn't really be creating a new post for this, but it didn't really fit the mood of my last :P. I uploaded some pictures onto Flickr a while ago, plus a few photos from when I went to Sussex/Kent 2 weeks ago (They're in the "August 2005" set).

I'm at Feel free to comment!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Worriers Anonymous

This is strange...I've thought of many things I could blog about, but they just don't all seem to fit together properly. Last week seems like such a long time ago that I feel unable to start off writing about my 4 day "holiday" (if you could call it that). Who knows though, something interesting might come to me later on. But right now, I'll start on another subject.

I am terrified at the prospect of starting my education afresh next year. There, I said it. It's out in the open for everyone to see. I'm painfully aware of it creeping up on me at the end of the month, and it's scaring me to death. I've read what I just wrote there and yes, I think I sound melodramatic, but there's really no other way of putting it. After I get my results on the 25th I've literally got a day to make up my mind about Le Grammar school, and then I'll be off for an interview the next day (" 11:20am at the latest or we will not be able to hold your place."). That's providing I get the results-if I don't, then I'll really be stuck in a stupid position, and who wants to be forced to study Physics for the next 2 years? Not me.

There are a hundred more things I'm worried about too. What the atmosphere is going to be like, what the teacher's are going to be like (a nightmare situation would be textile teacher clones), the hundreds of rules that are printed on the sheets that I was sent in the post. How I'm going to live getting up early and making an hour long journey into an area I've been to a grand total of 3 times. And I keep telling myself that what I'm feeling is normal, and everyone has to go through it at some point. That's starting a new school, that's life, I'll settle in. Then there's the worries scribbled on fluorescent post-its, stuck all over my mind which I'm unable to ignore, and because of the stupid "conditional results crap", I can't even give it some thought because I don't properly know.

So yes, two paragraphs on school there. Hurrah. All written in stylish 16 year old angst for your reading pleasure ;) I have absolutely NO idea why I've put off writing a new post for so long.

Then there's the matter of all the rubbish happening at home, and I've got my fair share of worries there. I've seen both my parents fall apart in front of me, and now it's happening again with my mother. I've had a whole year to deal with this, and you'd think it would start to become ok, but it hasn't. The dust just won't settle. My mum has so many things on her mind to deal with, and I'm worried about her, and myself, and what's going to happen to us. It's funny how the more things get shaken up, the more I think about the future, but I'm unable to handle properly what is going on right now. The past 2 weeks have been quite difficult for me, and overall I've been feeling pretty low, depressed, and uh, ashamed. Like a defective part. When I hit rock bottom, all my anger and upset basically gets directed straight back at myself, and the consequences aren't good.

(The end of that sentence sounded a bit suggestive. To clarify, I did not slash my wrists, take drugs, sit on the edge of the roof with my feet dangling over the edge, drink myself into a coma, kill anybody, eat 10 packets of biscuits or cut off all my hair.)

I'm a natural worrier-you only have to look at my horribly short nails to realise that. But now that I've got so many things on my mind, I've been trying to think back to when I really didn't have all that much to worry about. Did I still find things to feed my overly active mind? I'm sure I did. Did I realise that I should have savoured what stability I had, stuck on a CD, and done some mad dancing? Nope.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Discover yourself today!!

Here's a quiz me and my friend made up late last night, and I thought I'd post it here. I know I sent this to a couple of people who read my blog, but for all you others who don't have the pleasure of being in correspondance with the quiz, now!

(I'll try and do a proper post about what I've been getting up to later on)

Discover yourself today!!

This quiz has really been proven by super smart psychologists and all those other brainy the quiz, and the answers will be spookily accurate!


1. Which out of these is your favourite soft drink:
a) Cherry Coke
b) Tango
c) Pepsi

2. You decide to go out to the do you get there?
a) By car
b) By bus
c) You walk

3. My goal in life is to:
a) Have good health and happiness.
b) Settle down and start a family.
c) Be rich and famous.

4. My favourite colour is:
a) Brown
b) Yellow
c) Light green

5. What's your favourite book series out of these?
a) Harry Potter series
b) Narnia

6. Which of these is your favourite?
a) Fast food
b) Health food
c) No food


More things to help you discover your subconscious feelings!
1. Write down one person of the opposite sex.
2. Write down one person of the same sex.
3. Write down a day of the year.
4. Write down a country.

Now scroll down for the answers!!!








1. What this says about you:
a) Cherry coke? Wow, you're such a loser to be drinking the most foul thing known to man. Are you actually trying to make yourself unpopular?
b) You're a tragically sad person who is always trying to act crazy to get attention. Instead, you end up looking really stupid. No one likes you.
c) This drink fits your personality perfectly-you are a hopeless wannabe who constantly tries to fit in with the crowd. Unfortunately, you never get there, and are tossed aside like a packet of pickled onion crisps. Oh, and you also smell.

2. What this says about you:
a) You are obviously a selfish person who has no problems with damaging the environment. Go cry in the corner for an hour, you planet wrecker!!
b) The bus would be the best choice for you, as you use it as an opportunity to socialise. Sitting next to a member of the opposite sex is a major plus, especially if they say "excuse me". Incase you haven't worked it out, you're a social leper.
c) You are trying to convince yourself that you're losing weight by walking around. You're not.

3. What this says about you:
a) Don't hold your breath-you'll have a string of terrible relationships before you get cancer and die in agony.
b) You're quite delusional to think that someone would actually reproduce with you. Adopt, and make sure the kid is blind, or it may die from fright.
c) Get a grip, not many people who are destined to work in McDonalds make millions.

4. What this says about you:
a) You have an angry temperament, and you usually fly off the handle pretty quickly. Bashing your head against the wall has made your face even more disfigured as it was when you were born. As a result of this, you are probably destined to go to prison in the future for engaging in illegal activities with animals. Get help.
b) You're a horribly gloomy and pessimistic person, who is never invited to parties. You like to spend your evening browsing chat rooms and creating equally boring personas who are good looking and popular, unlike you. Just accept the fact that you have no friends and get on with building that obsessive shrine you have in your bedroom.
c) You like to think you're bright and vibrant, but in reality you're just very, very annoying. You always try and be the centre of attention by pulling silly stunts that just aren't funny. People are laughing at you, not with you. Oh, and here's a tip: Stop listening to the cheeky girls.

5. What this says about you:
a) You're so predictable. Following the crowd, just like everyone else you're stuck in some fantasy world believing you're a muggle and wishing you were a pathetic. Go out, get a life. Perhaps it'll finally sink in that you're an ordinary human being who can't levitate something with a "swish and flick" for the wingardium leviosa spell.
b) How old are you?? When were you born? The middle ages? Thought so, you need to get real and get with the modern times. Stop trying to walk into the back of your wardrobe and finding a hidden world behind those old coats gathering dust. Take a step outside your door, get away from those books and have some fun. May I suggest a movie? And no...that doesn't mean go and get the TV series of the books..
c) Elves, hobbits and wizards...back to square one I see? Yes I bet you like Harry Potter too. Or maybe you're such a fan of these books that you think the Boy-Who-Lived is a load of nonsense. Well I've got some news for you, LOTR is just as bad! You must be a really boring person to be able to sit down and read all those pages of boring, long-winded descriptions. Perhaps one day you will wake up and emerge in the real world...then again after reading all those pages you might just end up sleeping. You need a life and pronto!

6. What this says about you:
a) Wow. offence meant but how overweight are you exactly? Are those beauty spots or acne on your face? Thought so, another fat kid living off of McDonalds and Burger King. Maybe a bit of KFC here and there. Kebabs anyone? You need to slow down on the eating and spending and think about investing in some healthier food. That's right, I'm talking to you kid. Get off the couch and throw those crisps in the bin. A bit of exercise would do you good no doubt. ..what do you mean you've never heard of a gym?!
b) You freak! Where's the fun in life with no crisps, no chocolate, no anything but health food? Go down to the corner shop and treat yourself. How can you have gone so long without anything but salads and less than 3% fat yoghurt?
c) Anorexic, many other ways can I describe you? A death wish is what you're after and you're getting nearer to it everyday. Stop sipping on your water and nibbling on your carrot sticks. It's time you got some real food down you for once. Might I tempt you with chocolate. You know food exists for a reason...TO EAT! So grab some and shove it down your throat, Anything will do in your case. No you're not fat, you're lying to yourself telling yourself you are. Just look at all those overweight kids, be happy that's not you...


1. Give it up, this person does not love you, or even fancy you. In fact, they couldn't hate you more. You've got no chance with them, so just settle for a life alone.
2. You think this person is your friend? You're wrong. You have no friends. Go buy a new personality and see if you can make some new ones.
3. This is the day that you'll probably die in a horrific accident involving lots of bombs and firepower. You'll be the only casualty, and no one will care. Start making your will!
4. This is the country you've always dreamed of escaping to. Well, I've got news for you, it's not going to happen, because animals aren't allowed to travel alone. Don't bother sending off for a pet passport. Oh, and if you mentioned your own country...well, that says it all really. No ambition...what a boring person you are!

So, that's the end of the quiz!! I hope this helped you to discover what kind of a person you are :) Remember that you are unique, just like everybody else (ie. boring, sad, and above all, stupid).
Now remember to make a wish!!






Congratulations!! Now, just send this on, and your wish is guaranteed to come true!

Right, now copy and paste this and send it on to all your "friends:"

0 people - You will have a horrible accident which I will not be responsible for in the least. Take out an insurance claim in case, but I doubt that will save you. Look out for a white van with blue writing...

5 people - know some people. But come on, they're all your online buddies from distant parts of the world right? How pathetic...go on then. I bet they hate forwards. You'll have horribly bad luck for 5 years

10 people- you're grasping at straws here. Hotmail services isn't one of your friends, and don't even bother making up fake emails to send this to, or you'll have bad luck for the next million years!! I know where you live.

100 people- Psh, come on now...if you knew 100 people, would you really be taking this quiz?

3493.38994 people- This is the right amount of people to send to. Look forward to a really happy, wonderful, fun fun fun life!! No bad luck included (except for the cursed looks you were born with).

Now go play in the traffic ^_^