Worriers Anonymous

This is strange...I've thought of many things I could blog about, but they just don't all seem to fit together properly. Last week seems like such a long time ago that I feel unable to start off writing about my 4 day "holiday" (if you could call it that). Who knows though, something interesting might come to me later on. But right now, I'll start on another subject.

I am terrified at the prospect of starting my education afresh next year. There, I said it. It's out in the open for everyone to see. I'm painfully aware of it creeping up on me at the end of the month, and it's scaring me to death. I've read what I just wrote there and yes, I think I sound melodramatic, but there's really no other way of putting it. After I get my results on the 25th I've literally got a day to make up my mind about Le Grammar school, and then I'll be off for an interview the next day ("..by 11:20am at the latest or we will not be able to hold your place."). That's providing I get the results-if I don't, then I'll really be stuck in a stupid position, and who wants to be forced to study Physics for the next 2 years? Not me.

There are a hundred more things I'm worried about too. What the atmosphere is going to be like, what the teacher's are going to be like (a nightmare situation would be textile teacher clones), the hundreds of rules that are printed on the sheets that I was sent in the post. How I'm going to live getting up early and making an hour long journey into an area I've been to a grand total of 3 times. And I keep telling myself that what I'm feeling is normal, and everyone has to go through it at some point. That's starting a new school, that's life, I'll settle in. Then there's the worries scribbled on fluorescent post-its, stuck all over my mind which I'm unable to ignore, and because of the stupid "conditional results crap", I can't even give it some thought because I don't properly know.

So yes, two paragraphs on school there. Hurrah. All written in stylish 16 year old angst for your reading pleasure ;) I have absolutely NO idea why I've put off writing a new post for so long.

Then there's the matter of all the rubbish happening at home, and I've got my fair share of worries there. I've seen both my parents fall apart in front of me, and now it's happening again with my mother. I've had a whole year to deal with this, and you'd think it would start to become ok, but it hasn't. The dust just won't settle. My mum has so many things on her mind to deal with, and I'm worried about her, and myself, and what's going to happen to us. It's funny how the more things get shaken up, the more I think about the future, but I'm unable to handle properly what is going on right now. The past 2 weeks have been quite difficult for me, and overall I've been feeling pretty low, depressed, and uh, ashamed. Like a defective part. When I hit rock bottom, all my anger and upset basically gets directed straight back at myself, and the consequences aren't good.

(The end of that sentence sounded a bit suggestive. To clarify, I did not slash my wrists, take drugs, sit on the edge of the roof with my feet dangling over the edge, drink myself into a coma, kill anybody, eat 10 packets of biscuits or cut off all my hair.)

I'm a natural worrier-you only have to look at my horribly short nails to realise that. But now that I've got so many things on my mind, I've been trying to think back to when I really didn't have all that much to worry about. Did I still find things to feed my overly active mind? I'm sure I did. Did I realise that I should have savoured what stability I had, stuck on a CD, and done some mad dancing? Nope.