How many days have I got left?

Wasting my life away, one day at a time...

Thursday, March 31, 2005


Superman is a dick.

Toilets and tantrums

I was hoping not to follow one depressing entry with another, but unfortunatley, this is not the case.

My brother is driving me crazy.

Now I know siblings aren't meant to be the best of friends, but answer this: who has had their face spat in by their 12 year old brother?
Let me rewind back to the beginning. It's Easter Sunday, at about 10:30pm. His (very annoying, brattish) friend has come to stay the night. I'm sitting downstairs, minding my own business, when I hear shouting and screaming coming from upstairs. I go out to the hallway, and my mum is hammering on the toilet door. Why? Because the stupid little shits have locked themselves in the toilet, with my brother's playstation and TV, and are refusing the come out. They had actually fed the cable underneath the door, plugged it in to the power socket and were playing the damn thing before my mum found out and disconnected them.

I went upstairs, and asked what the hell they were doing:
"We're on strike!!!!"
"Because this house is sexist!!! Mum wouldn't let me use the phone!!!"
Oh yes, that makes perfect sense. Everyone in the house has turned 'sexist' because he wasn't allowed to use the phone. So suddenly, there are two boys locked in the toilet (which is about 3 metres long), with a playstation and TV, and all hell has broken loose.

Eventually, they came out, my brother victorious that he had managed to cause some upset. So, I shouted at him, and he shouted back at me, while he was carrying the TV back to his room. Once he's at the top of the stairs, I said
"Well at least I'm not so stupid that I lock myself in the toilet with electricals."
So he puts down the tv, runs down the stairs, leans over the banister and spits in my face.

That's possibly the most humiliating thing that he has ever done to me. It might sound that I'm making a big deal out of things, but my brother should know better. Infact, he does know better. He's violent, immature and rude, and is generally a pain in the arse.

(Oh, and I found out yesterday that he didn't even cook up his genius toilet scheme himself. He saw it on Hollyoaks-just proves that kids do actually get influenced by television.)

Friday, March 25, 2005

Emotionally dilute

A close friend of my mum's died today. I can't really tell if the reality of what's happened has hit me yet, but I felt like writing something on it. Everything happened so quickly-she was fine one minute, went to the doctor and had some tests, and it turned out she had cancer. I knew she was going to die, but it didn't prepare me any more for today. Thoughts have slowly been creeping up on me about her children. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose one of my parents.

It's impossible to compare one death to another, and say that you "know what it's like". The simple answer is, you don't. I don't think anyone knew how I felt when my sister died-it was my personal experience, and there was a different one for my mum, dad, brother, and anyone else who knew her. It was such a great shock for me, I wasn't even able to cry at the funeral, and the whole time, I was standing there thinking about how everyone else probably thought I was inhuman. I would lie in bed for night, awake for hours on end, trying to reprimand myself, because sometimes I had forgotten that anything had changed. The sense of guilt I felt around that time was overwhelming, and no matter how many times I told myself that I had done nothing wrong, I couldn't shake it off.

It will be the second year I've spend without her on the 4th of April. Actually, this is the first time I've ever wrote any of this down, excluding my old diary, where I did an update in bullet point form about a year or so after her death. That sounds like an awfully horrible way to approach the subject, but that's just the way I am.

Things are still going on now which drag this up from the past, over and over again. And I don't mean "precious memories", I mean painful, nasty things, that are really upsetting for my mum. Perhaps I'll write more on this subject later on, but I don't really feel like continuing now. I'm glad none of my friends read this.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

All hail Gmail!

I got a Gmail account today...Yay! It's nothing spectacular, but I just like the idea of having something that not everyone else can. Ok, stupid comment-I've got lots of things that other people might not be able to have, but meh, I know what I mean. I LOVE the idea of not having to delete stuff though, and you can have .'s in your email, which I've always preferred to underscores.

"No conversations in the trash. Who needs to delete when you have 1000 MB of storage?!"
That's what it says when you go into the trash can. Cool, eh? Also, emails are like "conversations", and you add labels to them, which are like folders. That way, you can sort all your emails very efficiently. Perfect for organisation freaks-I love cataloguing stuff, when I can be bothered.

Made a tarte tatin today-for anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's this French flan like thing, with carmelised apples, except with the pastry on top when you bake it. When you turn it out, the pastry is the base and you've got a nice appley topping. Big step for me in terms of baking, as I've never had any real experience with pastry before. I also did a bit of gardening with ma mere. We've got lots of frogspawn in our pond now, plus red (yes, RED) frogs. So cute!

(damn, this entry is getting more and more boring by the minute).

This Lexical questionnaire is pretty funky too. I find languages differences funny. Come on, who calls a see-saw a "teeter-totter"...weird.

I was meant to be doing myself a revision plan today...I'll have to force myself to do one tomorrow. Sometimes I have to disconnect the broadband in fear of me going on to the computer to do work, and then getting distracted by the internet.

I'm off to get a film now. Ta ta!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Give me some recognition...

The Killers are now officially my new favourite band. I got their album for my birthday, and I havn't been able to stop listening to it. I havn't really got much to chat about today, all in all it's been pretty boring.

Went into school for a maths revision, which took up most of the day. Then my mum's friend trimmed my split ends (yeah, she is a QUALIFIED hairdresser). Who knows, maybe my brother might throw a fit this exciting.

I've got yet another thing to rant about though. To Tony Blair, Michael Howard, or any other stuck up Politician who thinks GCSEs are "too easy"-FUCK YOU. Anyone who thinks that exams need to be made harder should have their head inspected. I've not been working hard for 2 years to have some know it all busybody droning on about this kind of thing. I'm doing well on my exams because I revise for them, and it's a big downer when people try and pour cold water over the whole thing. How much of your final grade coursework accounts for really is pitiful in most subjects, especially for things like English and Maths. Yet they're still proclaiming that coursework is "an easy option". Well they can all go and take a running jump-I'm proud of what I've achieved, and no one's going to take that away from me.

The Killers are currently helping me drown my sorrows though. Yay.
Ooh, I also did some drawings on It's pretty fun if you've got nothing better to do.
The second one is probably better, but they are both quite silly :P.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet...

i dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real. how can you look at me as if i was just another one of your deals? now you can fall for chains of silver, and you can fall for chains of gold. you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold. you promised me everything, you primised me thick and thin. now you just say 'oh, romeo yeah, you know i used to have a scene with him'. juliet, when we made love you used to cry. you said i love you like stars above, i'm gonna love you 'til i die. and there's a place for us. you know the movie song. when you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong, juliet.. i can't do the talk, like the talk on the t.v. i can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be. i can't do everything but i'll do anything for you. i can't do anything 'cept be in love with you. all i do is miss you and the way you used to be. all i do is ceep the beat, bad company. all i do is kiss you through the bars of our irons. juliet i'd do the stars with you anytime. juliet, when we made love you used to cry. you said i love you like stars above, gonna love you 'til i die. and there's a place for us. you know the movie song. when you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong, juliet...


FFS. Everyone know's Romeo was just after Juliet for the sex. Duh.

Ranting on a tuesday afternoon.

So, I'm walking home after revision this morning, I've got some extra money, and I think "hey, maybe I'll buy a magazine". I used to be an avid magazine reader, buying one per month was like a ritual to me, but I gradually got bored of them, and spent my time doing other stuff. Now, don't get my wrong, I don't assume a teen magazine to be one of the most intellecually solid things you can buy, but when I opened it up, I was apalled.

Have I turned into a snobby "mature" young person, or have I just figured out that these things are full of shit? I never used to take any of the content too seriously, but some of the articles were reletivley ok-it was generally just something I'd read if I had nothing better to do. But today, I turn the pages, and realise that the whole thing is just ONE BIG CONTRADICTION. On a first glance, the whole magazine reeks of confidence (you could almost call it pop feminism). "Be confident, be cool, be smart, be sexy", that kind of thing. 'My' expected role model is portrayed by these magazines as a beautiful, clever, streetwise girl, who doesn't let anyone tell her what to do, and thinks for her self.

While they are trying to convince us to be "happy with our bodies", they have stick thin teenage models parading around their fashion pages, and diets (renamed "health plans") which will help us "get that toned body in just a week!" Instead of making us more healthy, these magazines are making us diet freaks by replacing one word with another. Chocolate, bread, pizza-NO! Crackers,nuts, spinach-YES! Magazines argue that they are trying to make the nation's teenage girls more aware of what they are eating, and target obesity, but this simply doesn't work. People don't read the article, they just look at the food lists and note that down as the basis of next week's diet. I go to a girls school, and trust me, I hear the line "I'm eating nothing but dried fruit and sunflower seeds for a week" too often.

The next thing that's wrong with magazines is the whole thing about BOYS. Again, the articles continually contradict themselves. Telling us to think for outselves, and at the same time, bombarding us with information on what boys "like in a girl". There was even an article with boys rating some readers on their attractiveness. Now if that's not pressure to look "perfect", then I don't know what is.

Pulling power
Just be YOU. That's when you'll become really irresistable. Plenty of people love you already...Why should he be any different?
Then, later on in the magazine, there's tips on "how to score your perfect guy". Do I speak for everyone when I say, WTF?

Here are some little gems that I just had to include:
"This girl just came up to me and started playfully pulling my cheeks. It was a bit weird, but I went along with it. I love it when girls come up to me". -- Trust me, Charlie, that was a one off. I don't know why anyone would want to pull your fucking cheeks.
"When I first met my ex, she showed such an interest, listening intently to everything I was telling her." -- Uh, maybe thats because SHE WANTED TO GET OFF WITH YOU.
"Aaargh! This was the worst day of them all. I had no time to dry my hair, so it was bushy all day. I was in such a rush, I forgot my phone, ate my breakfast in the car and had to put on my makeup in the loos at school. How do lads do it?!" -- It's a puzzling concept, but it might have something to do with the fact that boys don't usually need to do their hair and makeup.
"I used to love borrowing mum's makeup, but I'm not allowed to anymore after I lost her mascara on holiday." -- I just thought that one was rather funny.

Anyway, rant over now. I guess that's just the way I feel...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Officially able to have sex, gamble, and buy cigarettes.

Oof...long time no entry, eh?

It was my 16th birthday on the 17th of March, and I hate to admit it, but I had a pretty nice day. I got a massive (15cm diameter) badge which I wore to school, pinned on to my uniform sweatshirt, which was fun, and then I got presents from my friends and a tuneless "happy birthday to you" from everyone. In the evening, a few people came over, and there was food, and a big cake with strawberries and apricots. My best present was a creative zen micro. Yay mp3 players! Long gone are the days where I had to cart around my ancient brick like walkman. The earbuds in the 'phones really are huge though-they're stretching my earholes beyond repair!

On a weirder note, I found my old diary the other day. I started writing it sometime in 2002, and stopped about 9 months after that. It was such a collection of hormones and well...more hormones. I had a completley different mood for each entry. Infact, sometimes I changed moods in between entries. I like to think I'm a little more balanced now. There was also an entry from last time I'd pulled it out and written what had changed. So I wrote in some more UpDatEZzzZ!!11! and decided to put in an entry after my last exam (June 24th). Technically speaking, since I stopped writing, bad and upsetting things have happened in my life, but I actually feel better than I did when I was just about to turn 13. Stuff is still happening now with my family, and it's breaking my heart, but I feel a lot more connected with myself.
Am I sounding like a 40-something year old hippie, who's just about to enter mid life crisis mode? Ok, I'll stop now.

Talking about my day-today was nice, I went to Covent Garden with my aunt and uncle for lunch. Then to the National Gallery (I hadn't been to an art gallery for years) and we watched a bit of an anti-Iraq war protest in Trafalgar Square. The message behind it was good, but there were a bit too many people my age with peace signs scrawled on their cheeks in biro, wearing tight tshirts and skirts with bells on. Scary.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Je suis anglaise

Oh yes, I am.
(sorry about the horribly scrolling table. I don't know how to fix that.)

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 64% Expert!
You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog:

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 68% on Beginner

You scored higher than 73% on Intermediate

You scored higher than 21% on Advanced

You scored higher than 29% on Expert
Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Moan, moan, moan

Blogging is such hard work. Everytime I log on to the net I just can't be bothered to post because I havn't got anything interesing to say. Trying to talk about stuff is hard, because nothing much has gone on.

I've had a boring like week at school so far. On Tuesday, I had an interview for another 6th form. It went pretty well actually, the woman interviewing me was nice, and I didn't feel as nervous as last time. All this 6th form crap is really depressing me though...I don't know where I'm going to study. I don't want to go to somewhere that is really high profile, but all the teachers are mean and the students snobbish and bitchy. Does that sound stupid? Lots of people I know only care about repuation and results. The teachers at my school are pressuring me to stay at the 6th form there, and actually trying to sabotage my chances of going elsewhere (I think). I rung up one of the schools I had applied to today, and asked them if they had recieved a reference from my school yet. They told me that they'd requested one on the 2nd of Feb, and have tried to get in contact twice after that! There's also more tight deadlines and coursework, obviously.

I've been watching Channel 4's "Banned Season" this week. The best program has been on Sunday. Jerry Springer the Opera has been the most complained about program to date, with 50,000 complaints, 40,000 of which were made before the show was aired. I actually watched it-it was ok, but kind of dull in most parts. Lots of swearing and stuff, but after a while it didn't really have any effect ("What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fucking fucking fuck?" sounded like a song that you'd hum under your breath while making tea). It gave lots of warnings to people that were easily offended though. I guess it was a little blasphemous (cue Jesus, wearing a nappy and singing "I'm a bit gay".) but people wern't forced to sit down and watch it. Plus, I think its stupid to complain about something because you've "heard" its bad. People should learn to make their minds up themselves.

They had lots of interviews with "complainers" on the programme aswell, some of which were incredibly stupid. A woman was nagging about the F-word being said on TV, yet she was quite happy to sit in her armchair watching a 70s programme which was a comedy built on racial slurs and stereotypes, something most people nowadays would find far more offensive. She thought it was "harmless fun". Another one was shown this programme called Seance, where a guy called Derren Brown used his mind-control skills to manipulate 12 members of the public into believing they were talking to a dead girl. She was infact, very much alive, and this was revealed at the end. The "complainer" was adement that the "devil" was present in the room, and this sort of television programme was a moral outrage.

Ah, so I did, after all, find something to blab on about. As usual. Its my birthday in 7 days....YAY!!!!!!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Icy pavements

I'm feeling so refreshed today. Its like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders...
The exams went reasonably well, Physyics was hard, but y'know, whats new? And I've handed lots of coursework in for marking, which feels a hell of a lot better.

Eeep! I got my exam entry sheets today aswell:
25th May Am-English Literature Paper H
6th June Am-Geography paper 2 Pm-Science-bio1, chem1, physics1
7th June Pm-Maths Non-calculator
8th June Am-English Paper 1 H
9th June Am-French listening test H
10th June Pm-English Paper 2 H
15th June Am-Maths Calculator Pm-Geography paper4
16th June Am-Science-bio2, chem2, physics2
17th June Pm-Statistics
20th June-French reading test H
24th June-Textiles technology paper H

Its so scary to think that in no time at all I'll be sitting my exams. On the plus side, I'll be finishing school on the 24th June-about 3 weeks before my brother's summer hols start. HA. We got our exam pre-release in Textiles today. The theme is "Native American Indians". Are these board examiners on crack? It couldn't be any harder. Last years one was Denim, which was kinda ok, but native american indians? Pfft.

Also, next Friday, is Red Nose Day, so there'll be all kinds of silliness going on. My friends have organised a teachers "Stars in your eyes special", which should be funny in a painful kind of way. I must remember to bring my ear plugs.

Other than that, not much other stuff has gone on. There's iced over puddles (which the year 7s seem to find oh-so interesting, you'd think they'd never seen anything like it) and it's still freeeezing outside. I might go to Oxford Street this weekend to buy my friend a birthday present from Muji. Ho hum. What a boring life I lead...

That's why I feel the need to do quizzes!
The image is a bit cruddy, but I guess I can't complain. Yeah, I like desperate housewives. Sue me :P

Oh, and here are the links for the 2 quizzes that I made:
What Fruit Are You?
What type of child were you?
The child one is better than the fruit one, but neither have fancy boxy result things that you can stick in your journal, just a picutre and text.