How many days have I got left?

Wasting my life away, one day at a time...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Prospective dismay

The thought that I'm going to officially be an A level student in less than 2 days is just, well, weird. Not to mention scary. The Summer has flown by so much quicker than I'd imagined. It would be great to say that everything has been spectacular and a good end to my 5 years of secondary school, but hey, life goes on. At least I didn't break my leg.

So obviously, I feel terribly cynical about what is going to happen at my new school. I went to enrolment last week, and it was...the only word I can use is "different". Not in a bad or a good sense, just in the sense that there are so many things I'll need to get used to, both little and big. There's only one girl going from my school, and although we're not very close, it's nice to have some reassurance. My friends have all given me advice which can basically be summed up as "don't stick with her, she tends to outshine people." Easier said than done. They're all telling me to make friends, talk to people I sit next to, however, whether I like these people is a different matter. You can't force friendship, and to make matters worse, I’m not as socially adept as some.

One of my absolute best friends lives right next to the school. She applied in February after the open evening, but wasn't offered a place after her interview. She was told by the school to definitely phone them after she got her results, because they'd really like to give her a place, and some may have freed up by then. So results day came, and I'd already made my mind up that I was going. She had exceeded the requirements, but when I asked her about it, she said "I don't really want to apply again, I'm happy with where I'm going." I didn't bother her about it, I didn't push her into a corner. I was disappointed, but I know how it feels to be pressured, and I thought, "if she's happy, there's no problem." At the end of the day, it's her education.

Then yesterday, she calls me up out of the blue, and says she really really wants to phone them up and ask for a place. This is 3 days before the start of term. Enrolment has been and gone. Needless to say, I won't be seeing her there on the 1st. Should I have forced her to consider it, and phone up? Is that what being a good friend is all about? Now I feel like I had a moral obligation to do that for her, and now she's lost her chance, and got me feeling teary again in the process.

I think I've become accustomed to expecting the worst in every situation. Even when I try and think positive, things usually end up the opposite way. It isn't adjustment though. I don't feel secure, or happy, and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for anything that could be creeping up on me. I know life doesn't owe me anything-why should it? I've only been on this Earth for 16 years, and even if I'd been here for 116 years, there's no difference. I feel utterly stupid for thinking that I should have a right to be happy.

But despite what I just said, it's like 2 parts of my brain are fighting a battle. One half is telling me to be logical, to move on, to make changes for myself and stop waiting for things to move themselves. The other half is telling me to let life even itself out, that nothing lasts forever, and above all, that stuff will change pretty soon for me, because hell, I need a break. The other half of my brain is telling me to wait. I wonder if things like that really happen...are people blessed with a wonderful surge of brilliance after going through a "bad patch"? Or is it not brilliance, but rather, the relief of some calm after a storm?


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  • At 12:54 pm, Blogger Daimonios said…

    Ah, sorry to hear about your friend's tragedy, perhaps it would have been nice of you at least to mention she should have considered the opportunity... but no, you most definitely are not to be held responsible for how things went, you are her friend, not her manager, you should not feel guilty in any way (besides, it's not even as if you said nothing out of lazyness or malice, you did not want to put preassure on her, which is rather honourable). Hope you will adapt quickly to your new school environment, as I hope it is going to be a really nice one (despite what you told us in your utter pessimism :-P). Keep us informed about how things go in your life ;-).


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